Parenting an AWESOME Son

When my kids were little, I read loads of books on parenting and discipline - How to get your children to mind without losing yours kinds of books (in fact, I think that was the name of one of them).  You are exposed to all kinds of methods of parenting - not only from your personal experience, but those of your spouse, friends, etc.  I came across a focus on the family website this week about child discipline which provided this four quadrant grid on different types of parenting styles.  It helps me understand myself better and maybe it will help one of my readers as well.

1. The Permissive Parent. The upper left quadrant represents parents who are high in love but low in discipline: the permissive parent. The study revealed that permissive parents tend to produce children with very low self-esteem and feelings of inferiority. Though the parents express a lot of love, the lack of boundaries leaves their children with a high level of insecurity. The kids feel loved, but they are never sure of their limits. Their parents are generally fearful, afraid of messing up and damaging their chil­dren's psyche, so they never set firm boundaries. The kids feel very loved and very unsure of themselves.

2. The Neglectful Parent. The lower left quadrant belongs to the worst of all four combinations: the neglectful parent. This kind of parent doesn't express much love and also doesn't really care enough to discipline. Their children tend to grow up with little or no lasting relationship with Mom or Dad. They're estranged because they feel forsaken. The parents' neglect may not neces­sarily be intentional — they may simply be in the midst of their own traumas and chaos, like an addiction or an abusive situa­tion. They don't purposely desire to neglect their kids, but they don't know how to deal with their own issues adequately and don't have the tools to be healthy parents. These children grow up with unbelievably deep emotional scars, and their only hope is to find Christ, be surrounded by godly role models, and get some good Christian counseling.

3. The Authoritarian Parent. The authoritarian parent shows up in the lower right quadrant. This kind of parent doesn't express love and affection well but is very high on discipline. They raise children who are provoked to rebellion. The bar is always high and the "musts" are always abundant, so there's a strong sense of safety. But this kind of parent isn't content just to win the war; they have to win every battle too. Communication between parent and child takes the form of arguing and fighting, espe­cially when the child is old enough to fight back. Authoritarian parents squeeze their kids until the kids can't wait to leave home, and as soon as they do, they rebel. When Paul told the Ephesians not to over correct their children and exasperate them, he was warning authoritarians not to raise children who would reject the faith altogether.

4. The Authoritative Parent. Those who land in the upper right quadrant provide the best combination of love and discipline. This kind of parent is authoritative — not an overbearing authoritarian, but a compassionate yet firm authority. They have clear boundaries but are also very loving. Everyone knows who the boss is, but there's also a connection between parents and child, a consideration that respects and honors who the child is while not compromising his or her disciplinary needs. The result is a child high in self-esteem and equipped with good coping skills.

This secular sociological study found that the parent who balances love and discipline, without compromising either, produces well-adjusted kids who maintain a positive relationship with Mom and Dad. This research, the best available today, affirms parents who express love well and maintain a high degree of control in their home.

All of us want to be in quadrant four, and probably most of us think we are. But before we move on to our biblical case study, consider these questions: Where do you tend to err? If you had to pick a quadrant other than number four to represent your worst moments as a parent, which would it be? Make a mental note of your answer; it will help you later when we look at our parenting through new lenses. 

I am definitely on the right-hand side of the quadrant, no doubt.  If I were super honest and completely transparent, I SHOULD ask my kids what kind of parent they think I am.  That would be a real eye opener because we tend to think of ourselves in a much better light than we actually are.  I deliberately have Romans 12:3 posted at my work desk (NIV) -

"For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you."

 Ok, confession time...for some reason, as I've grown into "parenting"- 13 years now, I have gotten more complacent.  And the truth is, I don't have it all figured out and need to make a conscience effort daily about the impact I'm making on my kids. I know there's no guaranteed method to this parenting thing, but I sure hope I'm doing it "right" - whatever than means =).

I say all of the above things to make this point - I feel like I have operated in all four quadrants at some point.  Much of that is based on my child's birth order and my level of expectation (or lack thereof).  I parent all three of our kids differently.   Maybe it's in my head, maybe not, but I find myself expecting a lot out of Isaac. Maybe it's because he is the kid that is MOST like me.  I'm a picky eater, homebody, wrote book series as a kid, loved building forts, was a collector of trinkets and other things, liked sports but didn't want them to consume more time than necessary =).  Isaac is definitely smarter than me, way sloppier and unorganized and much more confident in his social relationships.  We have more similarities than differences.  He's an amazing kid.  I want to be more deliberate in making sure he knows how much I love him (even when I am hard on him).  If I haven't mentioned that I have an awesome 10-year old son lately, shame on me.  And, shame on me for not telling him that more often and blogging about his "awesome-ness."

He is a HUGE Indiana Pacers fan.  Matt and Isaac have been staying late (on school nights) watching all the games leading up to playoffs.  Matt decided to surprise him last Wednesday after school.  He bought tickets to see the Pacers play the Grizzlies in Memphis and got the two of them great seats close to the bench.  They took off right after school and had the best time! Of course, they got home super late.  It was one of those special moments and memories they'll have together.




Speaking of basketball - Karson's 6th Grade class had the opportunity to play the teachers/staff in a game for March Marvelousness (based on Panther Paws, attendance, positive referrals, etc.).  Isaac's teacher Ms. Kirk was one of the players and sent this to Matt and I on game day:

(email from Ms. Kirk) - Too cute not to share! Everyday when I hug him as he leaves, we always have a chat about random things.  As I was giving him his hug for dismissal yesterday, he told me he'd made me a huge sign for today if I played in the basketball game. Be still my heart! It's the little things that boy does that makes me so happy to be his teacher. Not for just making this precious sign, but how subtle and caring he is about people and his school work. 

I told him since I have high expectations for him, I guess that's why he has high expectations for me (shooting them THREES) Hahaha! :) I sure love that creative, precious boy!   

Ms. Kirk is the best!  We are thankful Isaac has a teacher that loves him as much as we do!


Isaac is unlike me in the sense that he loves spending his money.  It burns a hole in his pocket as soon as he gets it.  I am a saver, always have been.   I'm pretty sure he spent around $50 of his own money at Plano's recent bookfair.  Moneybags Deaton =).  Because he had a multitude of AR points this year, he was also able to attend a special field trip to the SOKy Book Fest last Friday.    I told him he could take some of his money if he wanted to buy something, and he grabbed his wallet.  I said why don't you just take a little money and not your entire wallet.  I finally convinced him lugging that around the whole day was not ideal (especially if he lost it), and I didn't want him to spend every dollar he had.  He took a $20 and spent it all.  He was super tickled with his Monster Juice purchases and that he got to meet author M.D. Payne who personalized all his books.  He's been reading them around the clock and even convinced me to order another one for him that is missing in this series - he purchased books 1, 2 & 4 - 3 didn't look as interesting as 4 (but he also wanted 3).  There's also a 5 & 6.

 All 4th graders in Warren County Schools are exposed to the recorder for their Music Education. Towards the end of the school year, there is a recorder concert which Isaac had zero desire to attend.  Because I fall on the right hand side of the parenting quadrant, I told him that it's NOT an option, and that he would be going to the concert.  I told him that Ms. Harrington works way too hard and expects him to participate.  We told him that there are things in life that you don't want to do, but they make you a better, and a more well-rounded person.  When Karson had her concert in 4th grade, it didn't last longer than about 20-30 minutes so I wasn't expecting us to be there very long.  As we were walking in, Miles was telling Isaac that he would not play the recorder in 4th grade.  Both Karson and Isaac jumped down his throat and told him that he HAD to - Isaac proceeded to tell him that he didn't even want to come to the concert but had to (do you think I WANT to be here).  Great attitude =). He buried himself in the back row.  You can barely see him in the video.  He was one of the few kids that showed up without music - he pointed to his head and said it was all up there.  He's a mess - an awesome MESS - and he's mine! I love him so much!